Life and Insecurities
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except that life comes with insecurities.
Insecurity is a near-universal human condition.
Ironically, people who appear most confident often turn out to be driven by the deepest insecurities. They may dominate conversations, make grand pronouncements, or display what looks like pride. In reality this betrays a defense mechanism against a sensitive area in themselves that they have yet to address.
This suggests that insecurity works differently than most people think. It’s not simply about lacking confidence or self-esteem. There’s a more specific mechanism at play that needs to be understood in order to move past the platitudes of “Just be yourself” or “Fake it until you make it”.
The Gap Theory
The real source of insecurity isn’t a lack of confidence.
Insecurity comes from the gap between who someone wants to be and who they actually are.
People are rarely unaware of their own weaknesses, but when they haven’t fully accepted them, or actively feel pained by their weaknesses, those areas become hypersensitive. Any criticism or attention directed at that gap causes their ego to bruise, because they’ve already primed themselves to be defensive about it.
Consider someone who wants to be seen as sophisticated and intelligent. If they’re insecure about this, they might overcompensate by using unnecessarily complex language, name-dropping, or correcting others constantly. When someone inevitably finds them pretentious, it triggers exactly the response they feared - confirmation that they’re not as sophisticated as they want to be.
This behavior meant to hide the vulnerability directs attention to it instead.
The Ego Problem
This dynamic becomes particularly visible when people develop elaborate defense mechanisms around their insecurities. In professional settings, I’ve seen this when someone becomes argumentative about code reviews or feedback, not because they disagree with the technical points, but because criticism threatens their self-image as a competent engineer.
Ironically, it is this defensiveness that prevents the growth that would actually close the gap. Someone insecure about their technical abilities who argues with every piece of feedback will improve more slowly than someone who can separate their ego from their work.
This pattern extends beyond professional contexts. In my experience, friends insecure about a toxic relationship may resist advice about communication, even when they’re explicitly asking for help. They want validation, not solutions, because solutions would require acknowledging the gap between their current situation and what they want. Although they may not recognize or admit it, many people prefer the fantasy of not acknowledging the problem versus addressing the difficult reality and having to work on things.
That being said, this is a natural human tendency and not our responsibility to change. Adults make their own decisions and deal with the resulting consequences; we cannot help someone beyond what they are open to receiving.
Natural Human Tendency
I had always believed that adults naturally would overcome their insecurities, becoming secure, well-rounded individuals through experience and maturity. Observing real life adult social dynamics reveals this assumption to be largely false.
In reality, most people carry their insecurities throughout their lives without ever addressing them. In a typical workplace meeting or social gathering the same patterns play out that one might expect from teenagers - people posturing, avoiding difficult conversations, or getting defensive over criticism.
While adults typically focus on professional development like technical ability, understanding the bigger picture, or decision making, the inner work of addressing insecurities often gets neglected. Yet this emotional growth is equally important for both success and happiness.
Consider two engineers who started their careers around the same time. Both were initially insecure about their technical abilities and whether they belonged in the industry.
Engineer A focused entirely on closing the technical gap. They studied algorithms, learned new frameworks, got certifications, and eventually became a senior developer. But they never addressed the underlying insecurity that drove this pursuit. In meetings, they still get defensive when junior developers question their approaches. They overexplain their solutions and subtly put down others’ ideas to reinforce their expertise. Despite their technical growth, they’re still that same insecure person, just with better skills.
Engineer B took a different approach. Yes, they improved technically, but they also did the harder work of examining why they felt like an impostor. They learned to separate their identity from their code, to take feedback without taking it personally, and to admit when they didn’t know something. Today, they might be at a similar technical level as Engineer A, but they’re genuinely confident. They can mentor others without feeling threatened and take on leadership roles because they’re not constantly managing their own ego.
Who would you rather hire in this scenario? Which one would you rather have as your mentor? Which of the two would you prefer to be?
Applying the Insight
To put the understanding into practice, you’ll need to address insecurities within yourself and learn to navigate them in others.
1. Closing your own gaps
This means honest self-assessment and actually becoming who you want to be rather than defending a fantasy version of yourself.
As a teenager I wanted to be an interesting, well-spoken gentleman, but I was loud, attention-seeking, and frankly annoying. When called out for being annoying, I would feel backed into a corner, knowing my inadequacy but having to argue to defend my ego. It took me some time to come to terms with who I was and what I lacked, but eventually I learned to listen more, traveled to all seven continents, and developed genuine stories and experiences. Now when someone sees me as uninteresting, I feel no need to convince them otherwise. I find my life genuinely interesting, and that person can deal with their own poor taste.
2. Learning to navigate others’ sensitivities
This means recognizing that most people have sensitive subjects, so you have to communicate around their insecurities rather than through them. You can’t fix other people’s gaps, but you can avoid unnecessarily stepping on them.
For instance, I have a friend who’s clearly insecure about their career progress. They’re still in an entry-level role while peers have advanced, and any mention of promotions, salary, or professional achievements makes them visibly uncomfortable and defensive. From my perspective, I understand they had personal circumstances and I think their situation is perfectly understandable, but rather than trying to help them see this pattern or giving unsolicited career advice, I’ve learned to steer conversations away from work topics when we’re together. I can’t fix their career insecurity, but I can avoid triggering it unnecessarily and focus on areas where we can actually connect.
The Reframe
One way to look at it is that your insecurities don’t just reveal what you lack - they reveal what you care about.
The gap isn’t a weakness, it’s a roadmap.
For you, this perspective saves you from seeing yourself as a problematic, inherently flawed person, and instead reveals concrete, solvable problems and areas of potential growth.
For others, understanding this pattern doesn’t make relationships easier, but it helps them make more sense.
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